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Thursday, May 30, 2013


Last night, was the first time I fell asleep so deep that I had a dream after quite some time.
It has been countless nights that I can't sleep. Awake till the next rise of twilight.
More than a month, if I'm not mistaken. Reason being so? Only the people i consider close ones knows.

Last night,
It might have been the body resistance against my sudden refusal to consume the drugs I was prescribed on.
I fell asleep, common for others to sleep,right? But not me...recently.
At first, it was not one of those "Good night, Sleep tight" thing.
The pain really squeezed my brain, eyes felt unusually warm, very hot breath.(I might have burned my pillow). Then, I was awoken by a phone call. After that, resume to catch some sleep.

I finally fell asleep. Lucid dreaming? No.
More like a visit into my pre-constructed Lalaland.
It's funny, when i start dreaming, I always return to a few "familiar" places.
Like a game of Counter Strike, spawning into different fields after a full match.
Ok, enough about that.
I fadely remember the dream. Except for some details.
A deserted wooden house. With a cabin like the ones on the ship.
I saw a figure, staring out the window. A total silence. Dim room, but i can identify those Kina-Grannis-braided-ponytail hairstyle. My heart went storming suicidally. As i take small and slow paces toward her, she turned around, as if she was waiting for me all along. Not a word was spoken or said.
She rushed to me, unlike her egoistic reality, she leaned in and hugged me. Speechless and shocked, I started stroking her braid down to her back softly. Looking so petite and weak in her purple shirt.
She wrapped her hands around my body, below my arms. Showing signs of fragility and defenceless.
I couldn't express my feelings at that moment. A brawl between my total opposite polars. I knew that it was a dream all along...but i didn't want it to end any other ways... i forced myself awake...
Tears. Tears started to roll down the edges of my eyes. My eyes was wide open, it was around 5am. Motionless. I saw my phone's low battery warning light flashing. But, I didn't move an inch. I didn't want to spoil that feeling. I even tried to force myself where i left that "situation". But it never reappears. I guess, it was good that i left it that way. Giving me this...rush...adrenaline rush, thinking of what happened, what might happen next, reasons, might be another vision of mine, anything. It kept my dead spirit going.

The girl in purple.
Your stance looked so humble.
Your gaze looked so empty,
Like you're looking right through me.

Why did you turn around?
I know i didn't make a sound.
Were you really expecting me?
Or just any guys will do, will be?

Questions keep shooting me from every direction,
Deciphering our motion and action.
Whether it is another sign from Him,
But in the end, i realize it's just a dream.

I love how much i hate you.
I hate how much i love you.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Mestikah pengakhirannya sebegini? eewSsicnarFrehtsE

Di manakah silap tutur kataku?
Di manakah salah perbuatanku?
Sehingga aku diperlakukan sebegini,
Sehingga aku menghina diri...

Aku dikejutkan dengan berita itu,
Kau bakal dijodohkan kepada aku,
Mula2, aku meronta ingkar,
kemudiannya aku....aku jatuh cinta.

Semenjak bermula persahabatan kita,
ternyata memang kau wanita yang berbeza,
Kau sorokkan berita itu,
bahawa kau bakal isteriku.

Bergolak sudah pemikiran aku,
Goyah sudah pendirian aku,
Tak pernah kusangka jodohku begini,
Sebegitu sempurna hati,budi pekerti.

Kau penuhi segala permintaan hatiku,
Namun otakku mula bercelaru,
Ku takut kau akan berpaling dariku,
Aku tegar mahu memiliki dirimu.

Hari kepada malam, Minggu kepada bulan,
Ternyata berputik sudah sebuah hubungan,
Tetapi aku, rakus maju ke hadapan,
memaksa dirimu membuat keputusan.

Kau kuncikan sebuah jawapan,
Belajar dahulu, cinta kemudian,
Aku buta dengan jawapanmu itu,
Aku memaksamu mencintai diriku.

Ternyata aku melulu di situ,
Kau mula menghindari aku,
Hilang sudah sebuah cinta,
Masing2 mula berburuk sangka.

Aku terus cuba menebus diri,
Hadiah? Wang? sanggup ku beri,
Namun kau bukan wanita begitu,
Kau tak putus hampakan usahaku.

Kini penyakit menghantui diriku,
tetapi wajahmu masih di igauanku,
Semakinku berkali melawan ajal,
Semakinku rindukan kita sewaktu awal.

Tidakku jadikan sakitku sebagai alasan,
Untuk membuatmu penuh sesalan,
Ku masih mengharapkan cinta darimu,
Bukan ehsan, simpati dan syahdu.

Tidak pernah aku sebegini,
menagih cinta dan mencaci diri,
sebegitu pentingnya dirimu padaku,
walaupun kau terus dingin terhadapku,

Aku masih tidak mengalah,
Walau nafasku sudah bercampur darah,
Aku yakin "kita" akan berlaku,
kerana ku tahu kau sayang diriku.

Kau sering memuji nilai2 yang kumiliki,
yang setiakan agama dan mengagungkan cinta suci,
Tetapi apakah lagi yang kau ingini?
Mestikah pengakhirannya sebegini?

Thursday, May 16, 2013

True Pain


Nobody will ever understand this pain,
not my comrades nor my closest friend.
Screw the saying, "no pain, no gain",
I gave and tried, just to be hurt again.


Little sunshine and little rain,
this gloom of hurt can never end,
Game of flirting, game of lust,
there's no such thing as; hearts not crushed.

I have been part of those games too,
juggling hearts and lovers through.
But in the end, I am still blue,
searching for, a love which is true.



Little love and little heart,
never came and be of my part.

Howls of lone wolf in the night,
answers all of my deepest fright.



Good things comes to those who wait,
to me, this phrase does not relate.

Time is playing against my fate,
Once you realized, it might have been too late.

My eyes kept wide through the deaths of night,
Sleepless nights and cursed by wights.
Fear of backstabs of my own breath,
Unforgivingly overthrown by my own health. 

Droplets of water that does not cease,
Ticking clock and heartbeat race.
These are the things that pales my face,
still NOTHING compared to you, Queen of my demise.

Limes squeezed on fresh new cuts?
Nails plucked and eyes thrown with darts?
No words can describe this true pain,
Love, you betrayed me, thus I am slain.